We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
