he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
