dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
