If i come over, it means nothing
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
