I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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