Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My ATM looks so different sober.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This baby is an asshole
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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