I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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