Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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