I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
