I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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