Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
