Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
