i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
porn star boner night. come get it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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