So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
