I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
