My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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