remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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