I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
