I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
God I need to hump something, right now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
