Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Quick, to the slutcave!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
