i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
