matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
