I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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