you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i drank out of a bidet.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
