Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
