he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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