just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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