glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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