There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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