im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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