The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
