a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
