I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
