i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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