In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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