Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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