Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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