I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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