Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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