btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
