omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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