I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
