Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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