The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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