Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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