Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
