There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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