I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
