I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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