is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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