You're so nebulous sometimes
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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