Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
