That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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