Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
