proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
